Twitter-less

A week or so ago, I decided that I was over-tweeting, the cyber version of over-sharing. As much as I love Twitter (follow me bitches), I am fully aware of its ridiculousness. It's absurd to tweet every single thought one has, but I was doing it. So, as a test I thought I would start writing down everything I was tempted to post to Twitter.

Most of the thoughts that came out were just as inane and worthless as my other tweets, so I am glad I didn't post them. Even though I agree with Tom's column about keeping tweets uncensored, I do edit myself--as we all should. We don't go around blurting out everything we think. Although today, I did scream at a car as it sped down College Avenue. "THAT WAS A CROSSWALK ASSHOLE!"

Regardless, I try to avoid tweeting a.) my emo self-loathing thoughts, b.) my frivolous annoyances with my roommates and c.) anything to do with whomever I have a crush on. Here's why:

a.) No one likes a Debbie Downer, especially me. I'm not going to broadcast to my 80 or so followers that I'm having a "fat day." Because even though it's Twitter--who effing cares that I feel ugly on any given day, that's fishing for @-replies of people saying "no, you're beautiful." Which I wouldn't receive anyway, thus making me feel even worse.

b.) Both of my roommates are on Twitter, even though one of them forgot she had an account. To post stupid frustrations about the hand towels not being folded the way I like, or the Brita pitcher being too close to empty for my preference comes across as passive-aggressive. I am fully aware that when things like the direction of the toilet paper roll frustrate me, it has less to do with the toilet paper than my general mood. So, I leave those out of my tweets.

c.) I also don't like tweeting about love interests, because it's also another passive-aggressive type thing to do. Also, it ain't your business.

Even though I shy away from those subject matters in the first place, the other tweets that make it into my updates could still use a second glance before I tweet away. That is where my experiment comes in. I'll be honest, I wasn't entirely tweet-free for the whole week, but nearly time I reached for my phone to text a tweet, I jotted it down instead.

Here I provide you with the transcribed highlights of my non-tweeting adventures over the past few days.



My original post: every time i'm inspired to tweet i' will write it down instead. then i'll review, and report back if it turns out i am that damn clever.1:41 AM Apr 24th from twitterrific

• I might be that damn clever. (2 hours ago via index card)
• @pretzlrodstewart um, LoL?
• Why am I so itchy?
• itchy itchy itchy.
• Seriously itchy. Benadryl me up. WOOOOOO.

I never figured out why I was so itchy that night. I'm glad I didn't tweet this, because people have dirty minds and they'd think it was crabs. I do not have crabs.

• Glad everyone in this house is getting laid besides me.

That was sarcasm.

• I often do something because it is a bad idea, ie turning all the burners on high to relight a pilot light. Also, fork in a socket.
• The odds of me waking up with as many clothes as I fell asleep in: not so good.

If you follow me on Twitter, you might remember that I did in fact tweet this. It was too good and so true. I had to post it.

• I just read the Fark headlines as one continuous story. Took way too long to realize.

Seriously, and the story kind of made sense.

• Como hacer un bebe http://tinyurl.com/dgxhup omg heartsplosion explosion!
• I haven't had a (real) dinner at all this week. Cookies don't count as dinner. Oh but I wish they did.

Cookies still don't count as dinner, but life would be great if they did.

• unironic LOL.

This is going to catch on, just watch.

• oh! how fortuitous.

What I plan on saying once I find my class ring. If I find my class ring.

• I dislike an end fuck backfire or gunshot omggg
• will this go on gawker if i don't call the cops?
• but i don't know the diff b/w a backfire and gunshots!, it always turns out to be a backfire!

Hell if I know what my original thought was, but I could have sworn that I heard gunshots. And since I live in the neighborhood that I do, I probably did.

• The tragedy of stoner kids.
• OH: I love Olive Garden. I just love their soup and salad!

The handsomely dressed, flamboyantly homosexual man lisped this to his friends on our way into the city.

• The man next to me on the train is sleep-barking.
• The harpischord, theremin and mandolin are all grossly underused.
• Using an eyelash curler on a train is a bad idea. It's a bumpy ride.

The verdict? Yeah, I am pretty damn clever. Also, I should probably get some friends instead of tweeting all the time. Finally, this is what people used to do before Twitter. You know, get an idea and then write it down. Weird.