2008: A Summary

The year is coming to a close. When I think back over the year, I cannot believe how far I've come. But I can believe it as well, because I worked really hard to get where I am. After the New year begins, I start my grown-up job. I've been sober since July 5, and even though I said it was going to be a six-month thing, I don't know if I do want to start drinking again, even just a glass of wine at dinner. Maybe I'll have a taste of beer when I'm in Germany, but I really have no desire to start drinking again. I know people say "oh, it's moderation," but that was the problem--I couldn't control it. So, I don't think I will start drinking again. Go ahead, call me a quitter. I'm proud of it.

I also feel like I finally know what I want to do with myself. The grown-up job will be a placeholder until I can really get going on my dream, but I also feel like my current career will give me a lot of opportunities.

For you (but more for me) a quick summary of 2008:

January: No longer homeless, finally walking. Shitty New Year's, but that was my bad. I went to Killington with some friends, there wasn't any snow.
February: I had another birthday, then I started seeing someone. It was doomed from the beginning. Finally saw the Spice Girls, and yes I wept when they came on stage.
March: Dominican Republic! I never need to go back, to be honest. But it was good times, I jumped off of a waterfall.
April: I officially became someone's girlfriend this month. It was still doomed, because I really only wanted to hang out with Panic.
May: If I stayed at my first college, I would have graduated this month. I could have been working for a major news network, or writing for a local paper by now. Alas, I finished senior year round one, then went to Switzerland and Italy. Life could be worse.
June: New apartment, new roomies. Spent two weeks too many with the family in SC, but got started on an amazing tan. Broke up with the girlfriend, kept drinking heavily.
July: Nearly 200 lbs. Gross. Celia got married, I decided I needed a life change. Stopped drinking, stopped the nonsense.
August: Started running and acupuncture. Started feeling good.
September: Beginning of senior year: the sequel. More responsibility at work, realized I needed help to get to where I wanted to go. Asked for help, got help. Ran my first 5k.
October: Casey passed away. Became even more dedicated to living the life I want to lead, working hard at resisting temptation, and becoming stronger.
November: Learned how to maximize my happiness. Started being grateful, rather than resentful or jealous. Learned how to accept the love language of others, and more clearly express my love as well.
December: One of my best friend's mom's passed away. It was unexpected, and only a week before Christmas. I grieved for her loss, and mine as well because I love her mom. I reminded myself how blessed I am to have my family, as crazy as they make me. I am lucky that my oldest sister is a part of our lives again, that my parents are both living and healthy, that my other sister and I have a connection that is so strong that nothing could ever break it. I had one of the merriest Christmases on record, even if I did have to be south of the Mason-Dixon.

Beginning sometime in November, I started jotting down 3 things a day for which I was grateful. Here's a short list of some of the things I appreciated throughout the past couple months:

• I am grateful that I have become an optimist. I am lucky to always see the light in situations and the silver lining to every could. Not everyone can do that and I should see that as a gift.
• I am grateful that for my hands. They remind me of my mother. My hands help me create, which is why I'm thankful for my hands.
• I am grateful that I was able to spend a nice night out with my roommates. It was fun being able to hang out with just the two of them without having to compete with any other people.
• I am grateful that this past year and a half--although difficult--has allowed me to appreciate my family the way they should be appreciated. I'm grateful that I have grown and learned so much.

I'm going to keep writing down things that I'm grateful for, although I probably won't post on here when I'm grateful for things like breakfast and internet (which I am, very much). I also plan on challenging myself to express my gratitude more freely. When I love people, like my family and friends, it's hard for me to say it. I'd rather show that I love someone by doing things for them, but I know that it's also nice to hear it from time to time.

New Year's resolutions? No, I don't think it works like that. I just want to continue being a better me, which means taking care of myself the way I should. I want to be a better daughter, sister, friend, roommate, co-worker, boss. If I keep myself on the path I'm on, I know that I will be able to do that.

So, that was the year-end blog wrap-up. Expect bigger and better things from me in 2009, and I hope the same for you.

Just for shits 'n giggles

Because everyone loves a weird cat video:



Thanks to the folks over at The Internet is Terrible.

Christmastime is Here

For the first time, probably ever, I am ready for Christmas. Presents are wrapped and ready to go. I only have a couple more things to pick up (they've already been ordered). This year is weird for me, though. This year, I'm a grown-up. I've been promoted at work (wahoo) and I'm living in the apartment where I'll probably spend the next 2 years. I'm very happy about all of this, but it's also new and a little bit scary. I'm going to my parents' house in South Carolina for a few days, then I'm coming back up North to go back to work. Not to come back to school, but work.

My Christmas spirit is still high, and I look forward to baking treats for my friends. I haven't decided which charity to donate my yearly alms to, any thoughts?

Why has this been missing from my life?

I don't know why I'm so behind the times, but I am officially obsessed with this song. It's a Lil Wayne song, sung by cute rocker boys. All my favorite things happen at once! When I discovered this song on my way out to have (mis)adventures with my shortest roommate and friend, I declared that it was the best thing ever in the world. I dare you to tell me I'm wrong, because I'm pretty sure I'm not.



Call me so I can get it juicy for ya.

Exactly what I've been trying to say

As you may or may not know, I kinda don't like Michael Phelps. Yeah, yeah, 8 gold medals, whatever. But that's doesn't mean it's cool to be a dillhole. Remember your roots, bro. Anyway, even though I boycotted the Olympics this year, I've seen the butterfly race where Phelps won by 1/100th of a second a few times. Because it's amazing. As a swim coach, I always stress the importance of finishing strong: head down, etc. Even though the dude is clearly douchey (please download the following article from U of M's Every 3 Weekly: media.collegepublisher.com/media/paper851/documents/08q9rj57.pdf) Phelps is a talented athlete and in the following video he says exactly what I've been saying to my swimmers for forever.



And for your viewing pleasure, more Anderson Cooper-ness. He's just being adorable and his freestyle isn't too shabby.

I am thankful for Rick Rolling

Yesterday, as I was watching (read: napping through) the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, I experienced a special treat. The Foster's imaginary friends somethingorother Rick Rolled me. And it was glorious.



Outrageous.

p.s. it's true; I'm never gonna give you up, let you down, run around and/or desert you.
p.p.s. Rick Astley looks pretty hot.

The Best Chester

Today, I made peppermint pals with the little girl I used to nanny. I'm back in the town where I grew up for the weekend, babysitting. Anyway, the peppermint pals were adorable. For those who enjoy minty things, I'll probably make them again. Alas, I only like minty in my toothpaste. Check it out:

The dough started melting towards the end, so some of the penguins and polar bears are slightly droopy. Whatever, they're still the cutest dessert ever. I couldn't finish mine (I ate the tiny green penguin), so Ben the dog took care of the rest of it.

Ben the dog has been pretty awesome. Yesterday, he was annoying the crap out of me, jumping and barking at me. But today, after I found out that a friend from high school lost her battle to leukemia, he completely changed his tune and was totally there for me. So thanks, Ben the dog. Lacey the cat was also very sweet to me. Animals pick up on that stuff, the emotions I was trying to hide from the kids--I'm supposed to be taking care of them, I didn't want to be crying and upset in from of them. So the animals were there in their sweet way. Even Curtis the dog, who is very sick himself made sure to nuzzle me a few extra times.

Even though it had been a while since I had talked to Casey, I always thought of her. Sometimes she drove me crazy--how could anyone be so happy and smiley all the time? But she was, it was genuine and that's why we love her. The funeral is on Tuesday, and I'll be going to say goodbye. Last night, I had a dream about Colin, who died a few years ago. I couldn't bring myself to go to his funeral, and I've always regretted it. Today, when I found out about Casey's passing, I knew that I couldn't rationalize myself out of going to her memorial service. My thoughts and prayers go out to her family and friends who love her so dearly.

She's Back!

Britney is back, and she's looking good. I always held on hope for the former teenage pop-star, and I'm so happy to see her looking sexy, confident and doing what she does best. No, she's not the most talented singer, but she's an entertainer. It saddened me that we watched her fall apart with such intrigue; I'm happy she's making her comeback for real this time. As much as I hate to admit, I've always enjoyed her music. Her newest song, "Womanizer," is not good, neither are any of her other songs. But it's fun, and I enjoy it, which is all that matters. So, for your viewing pleasure: Britney is hot again.

More of something else

So, there's a guy at work who always has some sort of comment for me. Sometimes it'll be entirely inappropriate, such as a sexual innuendo about the skirt I'm wearing. Other times, it's down right offensive. Over the summer, he's the guy that said "I saw a picture of you last Halloween and you looked so thin. What happened?" He tried continuing that conversation a few weeks later, asking me about my diet and exercise routine. Whatever, I've lost weight since then, but it still pisses me off. Also, on Saturday he pointed to the corners of my mouth and asked if I got bitten by a bug. Well, I had a couple of pimples. Hi, that's embarrassing. Who says that to another person? Clearly they were zits. I usually have clear skin and yes, I was upset about them. I don't get it. Then today, he told me to adjust my scarf. Anyway, it's weird, and I don't like it.

In other news, my acupuncturist bought me a delicious vegan brownie while she was at the shore yesterday and called me up to get from her office. She knew it wouldn't last until my appointment Friday. I think that that was just the sweetest thing, and it totally made my day. Plus the brownie is b-b-banging.

Be sure to register!

www.maps.google.com/vote


Also, Leonardo DiCaprio will make me swoon til the day I die.

Les Misbarack

Politics and showtunes. I am content.

I can see Russia from my house.

Listen, even as left and as liberal as I am, it's possible that I might have been on board for McCain '08. But I do not want someone as inexperienced as Palin anywhere near the Oval Office. McCain is old, he could very well die and Palin could very well be our next president. As I typed that, a frisson ran down my spine. Could you imagine the judges nominated during that administration? Roe v. Wade would be overturned in seconds, leaving women no option when it comes to their bodies. I'm clearly heated, thus I should stop before I really start offending people.

In other news, I got moccasins today and I'm running a 5k in the morning. Good luck to me!

We're not gonna take it (no, we ain't gonna take it)

Conservatives have finally discovered sexism in the media. It's unfair, damaging to their careers and invasive towards their personal lives. Except, of course, when a crazy liberal like Hilary Clinton charges the media with sexism--that's not sexism, it's whining or "playing the gender card."

Sarah Palin, as you should know by now, is Sen. John McCain's running mate. It's been an extremely exciting and historical election season, what with the first African-American candidate for president of the United States. Palin indeed should be congratulated for becoming the first woman on the Republican ticket. Geraldine Ferraro put a crack in the glass ceiling for the Democrats in 1984, but why is it 24 years later that we're still chipping away at it?

The primary season was exciting because for the first time, there was a viable chance that Sen. Hilary Clinton could have won the Democratic nomination; she came closer than any woman before her. She got 18 million votes, despite the hostility and blatant sexism from the media. Good luck with that, Palin.

So why is it only now that we're finally seeing women making legitimate headway (of course, it's only white upper-middle class women) in politics? Too many people in our society still feel threatened by women in the workplace. Strong, ambitious women in a leadership position make men (and some women) uncomfortable.

The truth is that public discrimination is bad for all women. Sarah Palin has faced the onslaught of the double standards in the media. She has faced a very different kind of sexism than Sen. Clinton, but it's there nonetheless. And let's be real, I will not vote for McCain/Palin, because that administration (however agreeable that may be to you on other issues) would be awful, and potentially more detrimental to women's rights than even the Bush administration. McCain and Palin are equal on issues such as reproductive rights and same-sex marriage.

Pundits expostulate on whether a mother with five children should be running the county, and thereby shoot themselves in the foot. Would they really be asking if a man with five children should be running the country? We all know the unfortunate answer to that. They also question the priorities of women who work outside the home. So many things are wrong with that, including but not limited to that most women who are not upper-middle class and white do not have the option to stay at home. People are up in arms in the fact that she only took a few days of maternity leave. These same people aren't, however, upset about women on welfare being forced back to work a few days after giving birth and that the majority of women workers are not given the option to the Family and Medical Leave Act.

Palin, a pro-abstinence only education supporter, has a 17-year-old daughter that got herself knocked up by the high school hockey hunk. A saucy distraction for the media, surprisingly it has yet to completely derail any chance for the Babies & Grandpop Campaign (thanks CB).

Amazing the conservative hypocrisy present here: Palin talks about her daughter's choice to have her daughter. Choice? The GOP insisting that this is a private family matter, the right praising Palin for choosing to carry her son with Down syndrome. These are the very same people who don't allow girls or women to have a choice. The stigma that once surrounded young mothers and single moms decreased because of hard work from the second wave of feminism; the oppressive right wing's judgemental discourse did nothing. For example, Palin has voted against abortion even in the case of rape or incest, even if it's detrimental to the woman's health. Throughout McCain's career, he has consistently voted against funding for birth control and family planning. And the supposedly unplanned pregnancy of Palin's daughter comes at an interesting time for people that are pro-abstinence only education.

It will be difficult for Palin, especially when she's trying to establish herself in a man's world when they talk about her clothing choices rather than her policies. Wouldn't it have been nice, however if all those talking heads took notice when people started commenting on Clinton's decollatage. Unfortunately, these trends of sexism in the media will continue in the media while the outdated notions of gender roles continue to exist.

So when we continue to vote for anti-women's rights candidates like McCain and Palin, what are we saying? We're saying that we'd rather vote for someone based on assumed gender roles, rather than whether or not they have earned the position.

Praying Mantes, Hiccups, and also, I'm awkward.

So, I've had the hiccups twice today. I never get the hiccups. What's with that?

Also, I've seen two praying mantes (mantises?) in the past couple weeks. Good luck, I'm hoping, all though they are large, scary insects.

Today, a perfect example of how awkward I am:
I walking down the street with someone that I had a crush on last year, when it turned out the friend whose house they were going to was not going to be there. Because we were almost to my house anyway I thought "hey, here's my chance." I then said, "Do you want to come over to my place? Maybe get a glass of water?"

Get a glass of water?? No wonder I can't get a date.

Yearbooking

While Mary and Jay were spooning on the couch and watching crackheads get busted on "Cops," I stumbled across Yearbook Yourself. The results are the following:

1966. My mom graduated high school that year. I look outrageously like her in this photo.


1976. I kind of want to bring this back.

1978. I long for the day that I can truly pull off this hairstyle.


1980. My sister was born; I look like Jennifer Grey.


1994. I very distinctly remember thinking the high schoolers in Huntsville, Al., (where I lived in '94) were the absolute coolest people ever. The bad perms, the giant bangs--epitome of awesome.

Surprisingly (or not) enough, all of this fake/ridiculous yearbook pictures look a thousand times better than any real yearbook pictures I've taken. Except for 7th grade. I looked good in my 7th grade picture. But of course, they didn't use that one in the yearbook; they used the prime time (homeroom) picture instead. Bastards.

We went on vacation and came back on probation

Back in South Carolina, visiting the rents.

This trip however, is decidedly the best of all my South Carolina visits. I brought two of my friends with me to partake in the adventure. We've yet to be bored, and my parents have yet to annoy me. My cat is excited to see me (she's usually pissed). All's well, and I'm surprisingly not longing to be eaten by a gator.

My optimism and positive attitude is astounding.

(title of post from the back of the bouncers' t-shirt at Fat Tuesday)

Weddings

Sunday will be the second of three weddings I'll have attended by the end of this summer. Frankly, I'm over weddings. My attitude is mostly based in my inability to even get a date. However, marriage is indeed an antiquated ritual which was created during a time when life expectancy was 30, and "til death" wasn't that big of a commitment. The wedding ring was a symbol of ownership. And then the bride does things like this to her friends:


Anyway, weddings are expensive, they're a waste of time and to be honest--I want one.

I think I just peed myself

So I'm getting a double chin, fuck it.

This weekend was entirely unexpected. My dad visited and we went to my roommate's restaurant, which was delicious. After he left in his canary yellow rental car, my good friend from high school came to visit. We hung out in my apartment for a bit before we went upstairs to hang out with my neighbors. Beer pong was interesting; instead of signing up with names, we signed up with countries. Our first countries: Finland and Haiti (the obvious choices). Round two we were Malta and the Moon.People were jealous. When my roommate came home, the three of us hung out together. Then Schmidty and I stole music until it was time to go to bed. There are some people from high school that are more than worth it to me to keep in touch with. I'm so happy that even though it's been over a year since I've seen him, and three before that, we're still a little bit in each other's lives and he was able to stay over on his way to a bike thing in Northern Jersey.

Saturday I had nothing planned. Originally I was going to travel down the parkway to Brigantine for a friend's bachelorette, but I have no money. Then, whilst eating my Lucky Charms, AP offered me a free ticket to see the Phils annihilate the Braves and further enticed me with the possibility of seeing George Michael live in concert. The couch no longer seemed as appealing.

An enjoyable walk around Independence Mall and a visit to the Liberty Bell later, we found ourselves at Citizens Bank Park. I had great seats, thanks to Stub Hub's mistake. AP and her friend (who earned serious points that day, much to my chagrin) stood nearby after disliking their cheap seats. After the Phillies won, we went back to the car. They had a couple more beers as we discussed the reality of going to the George Michael show. I was going to be extraordinarily upset if we didn't go. We got tickets for $24. To top that off, we were relocated from section 210 to section 103. I unapologetically danced for the entire two and a half hours he was fabulous on stage. Though he didn't play "I Want Your Sex," "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," "Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)" or "Last Christmas," George Michael still rocked my world.
The title of my blog comes from a little chat G-Mike had with the audience about reviews of his show. I thought it was hilarious and adorable.

Love him!

And you know, I don't even feel bad that I had half a cheesesteak and a Coke. We walked a lot, and I danced my ass off. Also of note: Ally spilled beer all over the German in front of her.

Dropping the Weight

So, it turns out that I actually am fat. I'm not just big boned, chubby or a little overweight; I'm fat. I'm frustrated that I haven't seen any results yet, even though I've been eating like a saint (one Frosty does not a fat girl make). It's also been almost 20 days since my last drink and I have nothing to show for it.

Side note: I have a bottle of wine from Celia and Toby's wedding. It has an adorable picture of them on it, with their wedding date. I'm pretty sure that's an amazing reminder/symbol of my sobriety.

Back to being a fat girl. I know I shouldn't worry about what other people say, or think. However, this summer 2 people have directly commented on my weight. One parent at work (who notoriously overshares, but that's besides the point) came up to me to comment on how "beautiful" I am. She then said, "lose some weight." According to her, after I do so I will then be a "princess" and/or "the queen" of everything. The next day, one of my employees saw me in a bathing suit and mentioned how he was recently looking at my facebook pictures (creeper) and saw one from Halloween and said how "thin" I looked. The next thing he said: "What happened?"

I eat less than and healthier than most people I know. Yeah, sure I won't get heart disease in a few years. But I want to be thin!

Anyway, instead of whining about it, I'm finally taking bigger steps towards losing weight. I've joined sparkpeople.com, a free website that'll help track your nutrition, exercise, give you advice, etc. Check me out.

We'll see how it goes.

Next time on Chilly Cheeks: thunderstorms, DYFS and mothers

Sobriety

I have decided to stop drinking. Not that I ever really thought I had a problem, but I could see the potential for a problem, as detailed in some of my previous blog posts. There's a history of alcohol addiction in my family, and I've seen how ugly it can get--both in personal experience and on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab.

My last drink was on July 5, 2008. It was Cel's wedding. I had fun, I didn't embarrass myself. I remember everything and regret nothing. But it was a beautiful wedding and a fun reception; there was no need for me to be drunk to enjoy it.

Today is July 21, meaning I've been sober for 16 days. I've been to parties and galas without experiencing the slightest temptation. I easily could have had a glass of champagne, but my suspicion that I was starting to have a problem developed from my inability to just have one. It would have to be two, most likely even more.

I'm also trying to lose weight. And let's face it, if it comes down to either a cookie or a beer--you know I'm going to have the cookie.

The Dark Knight

Go see it.







Now.

Bright Green Bridesmaids

Let me preface by saying how much fun I had this weekend. Allow me to continue by saying it was also the most absurd and ridiculous experience of my twenties.

I arrived in Jacksonville, FL and got a ride to Brunswick, GA by one of the groomsmen. Immediately I was putting out wine bottles and tying ribbons around napkins at the Old City Hall. Later that night was a low country broil, hosted by family...or friends...or family friends. I don't know, these southern families are huge. The wine was a plenty, I made some German friends (Verena, with whom I'm now obsessed--she's more fabulous than I'll ever be), and then it was time for the groom's bachelor party. The ladies and I went out to the bar, but not before I had a costume change with LeftRight. She brought an extra dress in case she got hot; after I spilled an entire glass of red wine on my skirt, I convinced her to give me the dress she was wearing and put on the one in her purse. We went to the bar and I got Verena what I said was a fancy American drink: Vodka sprite. Well done me. On the walk back to the beach house to crash the boys' party, we stopped at a gas station where I bought some sort of slurpee concoction and stole a Tinkerbell lipgloss thing. Or maybe I paid for it, I really couldn't tell you. All I know that it was in my purse the next morning when I woke up. Naked. Next to the groom.

No, no, no, nothing happened. Celcel the natural was in between us throughout the night, also naked, but that's a usual occurrence. We slept on the floor in our panties, and Toby the groom joined us later into the night. I just think it's funny to say that I woke up topless next to the groom the day before his wedding.

Friday was the bridesmaids luncheon, which was lovely. Also, delicious. Friday afternoon was the rehearsal, then the rehearsal dinner which was a giant BBQ in Cel's backyard. After that, as it was the 4th, we celebrated our nation's independence. Three water taxis took everyone out onto the water, so that we could watch the fireworks from St. Simons, Jekyll, Sea Island and Brunswick all at once. Had I not felt like death, I'm sure I would have been more fun. I enjoyed myself though; I had the thought while I was on board how grateful I am to be able to do such cool things. I also had the thought: "Remember to blog about this."

We stayed in the world's coolest bed & breakfast. My room was in the attic, it was so me. I lucked out and had it to myself the whole weekend, which consisted of much needed repose from all the mayhem of the wedding. I wanted to move into that room. For whatever reason, my whole life I wanted an attic bedroom like that. Maybe I read too many books about orphans becoming princesses, etc.

The wedding went well, except that I took out my lip stud and the hole closed up. I bought a retainer, but it looked even more absurd than a metal thing hanging off my face. For the best, I suppose. AP said to me today, "I like it, because now I'm looking at you and not the lip ring." Thanks, AP. As a side note, she's been really good about making me feel pretty after 2 people have commented on my weight in the past week.

As this blog title suggests, the bridesmaids were indeed bright green. We didn't look as awful as we expected, rather kind of cute. Towards the end of the evening, the mother of the bride said to me "someone likes their dress!" because I was still wearing mine a few hours after everyone had changed into more comfortable clothes. I drunkenly replied, "well it's not like I'll ever wear this again, might as well get some use out of it!"

There's so much more to this weekend, I don't even know where to begin. This is a sufficient start. Let's just say that I broke at least two hearts, fell in love with a man and his son, and peed myself laughing about the drunken misadventures of LeftRight.

Cougahs? They lookin' for some action?

Yesterday was my first day at the shore this season. Although I spent time in SC, it's not summer until I've hit the Jersey shore. My roommates and I drove down, rocking out to some sweet tunes (if I may compliment my freshman year of college mix making self).

$7 to get on the beach buys an entire day of entertainment. Not only do you get the sun and the waves--you get the bennys acting like it's a meat market. You'll never see as many blowouts and tacky tattoos as you do at Belmar. Girls: stop dating these men. As AP put it, "you're only making them think it's okay to act like that!"

Perhaps you're wondering what I mean. Allow me to illustrate by retelling the phone conversation we overheard from one such benny about 20 ft. from our blanket:

"Yeah, yeah, yeah so what's up? Those broads you're with they cougahs?"
He paced with that very specific swagger these men have while the person on the other end responded.
"Fuckin' drunk cross-eyed cougahs? Yeah? They lookin' for some action?"

At this point AP and I were just about in tears.

"Yeah, well we don't need to call them no more."

Of course, our conversation for the rest of the day was peppered with "fuckin' drunk cross-eyed cougahs," even if it didn't make sense. My friend made a couple excellent points about these greased up, blowed-out, juiced-up, jagerbomb drinking young men that give Jersey and Staten Island a bad name: Dudes shouldn't wear Armani or white sunglasses. Ever. He also went on to compare the dudebros (Dude! Bro!) of the West Coast to the guidos of the East Coast. He explained, "You can say about a dudebro, 'yeah, he's a dudebro, but he's a nice guy.' You can't say that about guidos." No, you can't because that's part of their description. As a rule, they're dickbags.

As AP and I made our way through the meat market to the water, some jerk was playing with a wiffleball bat and almost hit her. "Sorry, I carry a big stick."

"That's what she said?"

Well done, AP. Although, you really should have punched him.

If you haven't already, do yourself a favor and watch this:

Ghost Crabs

Today, I was viciously attacked by a ghost crab. I was minding my own business, getting a tan and reading my book when it scampered onto my beach towel and attempted to nip off my nips. The little girl that was chasing it was able to scoop it into her bucket. Twenty minutes later, it escaped and made a beeline (crabline?) directly back to me.

Now, as I sit in the Myrtle Beach airport waiting for my flight back to my home in the wonderful world of smog, I have to ask: What did I do to deserve this? What did this frighteningly large crab have against me and my breasts? As far as I could tell, I was not laying on any of the entrances to his underground tunnels (up to 4ft. deep). I was reading a heartwarming tale of a man dying of pancreatic cancer AND I did two good deeds for others on the beach. A grandma got knocked over by her umbrella and I watched over someone's radio as they went to lunch. Neither of those things are deserving of a crab attack. So why? WHY did a crab attack me and then come back for more?

My Shamrock Lodge

This weekend was Celia's bachelorette weekend, or "girls' weekend" as she liked to call it. I arrived to a good 10 more females than I was expecting. I wasn't even entirely out of the car before Celia handed me a glass of wine--a telltale sign that my weekend was going to hilarious, awesome and more fun than I've had in a long time.

The house we stayed in was perfect. It was bright green and fabulous.

Here's a picture of our digs.

Rumor had it that Johnny Depp was getting married on Tybee Island on the Saturday that we were there. My orders: "Find him. Stop the wedding. I'll get there...he just has to meet me first." Mission failed, sorry Ally. However, we didn't need J-Depp for excitement.

First night out: North Beach Grill that was maybe a total of 5 blocks from the house, yet somehow took us 20 minutes to get there. Women suck at directions: learn street names, y'all. Anyway, we had some drinks and some tasty food before we headed back. We promptly traded our sundresses for pajamas. Well, in Celia's case she wore a slinky blue nightie as we chatted and sipped champagne in the backyard. We had some quality girl talk, ranging from young boys, ex-lovers and in my opinion far too much talk of marriage. What did I expect, everyone there except for me was in a serious long-term relationship. Luckily, I didn't let myself feel too bummed.

The next day was brunch and a lingerie shower. In a word, I felt uncomforable buying my big (yes, I was in a sorority, don't judge) sexy lingerie for her German husband, especially since I know he has interesting tastes. I bought her a cute two piece tank top with frilly shorts to match. It was a very me thing to give her. The only scandalous gifts she got was a pair of crotchless from the "sexpot 7," Celia's little sister's friends. They also brought along the penis straws, which Celia passed out: One for Bethany, who has been married 3 years and thus "deserves" it and one for Bridget "because she likes giving blow jobs." Only our Celia! She didn't do that until later on Saturday, so I'll get back to the penis straws momentarily.

After the lingerie shower, the adults left and the girls hit the beach. It was a sight, 15 girls all laying out on the beach. We brought beer and margaritas (duh) with us as we soaked up the sun. A cop on a golf cart drove up and warned us about glass on the beach. "No problem officer, we'll take care of it!"

"Okay ladies. You can pour it into a cup. Beer is okay, just no glass."

We did just that. An hour or so later, another cop rode up to us as Brig was pouring her beer into a plastic cup. An $87.50 ticket later, Celia sassed the cop in the way only she can: "Thanks so much for ruining my special weekend, sir!" I maintained a steady buzz from noon until we returned to the house to get ready for dinner and going out at around 7pm. Lydia and her friends did a fabulous job with dip, tacos and chicken fajitas. Delicious. They also made a punch with sorbet, ginger ale, wine and champagne. So delicious. Margaritas were also part of our evening activities--shots of vodka in Celia's. By the time we went out, we were good and ready to wreak some havoc on Tybee.

More to come, including all about nipples, Buster and tequila.

Nipples, Nighties and Tequila

As I am overly tired and hungover from this weekend's amazing festivities, I leave you with a new favorite video to tide you over until I can fully recapture what I hinted at in the title of this blog. Enjoy.

South of the Mason Dixon

Everyone knows that I'm not crazy about the South.  I used to live in Alabama and North Carolina, and last summer my parents retired to South Carolina.  I'm here for 2 days and my accent comes back full force.  Suddenly, monosyllabic words become polysyllabic and I find myself saying "ma'am" and "sir" at the end of everything.  Everyone is more polite than I'm used to, spending the past 2 years in New Jersey and 10 before that in Philly.  I'm not sure I like it.

In July, one of my closest friends is getting married and I'm lucky enough to be a bridesmaid.  I'm so happy and grateful to be an integral part of her special day; however, it makes one think about the commercialization and production of the modern bride (and what her closest friends must endure).  So far, nothing has been required of me other than the obligatory purchase of the dress, which in turn led me to the most humiliating experience of my twenties: buying a foundation garment with my mother.  This upcoming weekend is her bachelorette weekend in Tybee Island, Georgia.  It'll be fun; I'm excited.  I'll report back.

What makes the upcoming wedding even funnier for me is that I'll probably be the only Yankee there.  So it'll be "yes ma'am, no sir, thank you ma'am, thank you sir," the whole time I'm in Georgia.  I'll have to take out my multiple piercings so as not to induce heart attack on the conservative elderly who refer to that time between 1861-1865 as the "War of Northern Aggression."  Also, I'd like to avoid any awkward stares and questions and comments such as, "What's that hanging out of your lip?"

Italy!

I'm now back in Switzerland. Italy was fantastic and this is the first vacation ever that I don't want to end.

The water from Bernini's fountains is the best I've ever drunk.

More to come, such as Ally Panic being over quake lakes.

Five

Swoon.

Chill with the judging.  

Quatre

By this time next week, I'll be in Switzerland.  I'll hopefully be able to hop on a plane to the U.K. to see a friend's band.  Then we'll be going down to Italy.  How very international of us.

I do feel guilty however, to be traveling for pleasure when there has been yet another natural disaster that has claimed the lives of thousands, leaving more homeless and displaced.

Tres

Confirmed dead in Cyclone Nargis: 22,464

People reported missing: 41,054

Projected death toll (if international aid doesn't get there fast enough): 100,000

Population of New Brunswick, NJ: 50,172

Read more here.

Deux

While avoiding class and catching up on some well deserved nap/Juno time, AP showed me this and proceeded to ask me the following. I didn't put too much thought into it, but then she made a post about it. Now, I have a blog and feel somewhat obligated. And also I'm antsy to post.

1. If you could do anything you want tomorrow, what would it be?

I would be on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean wearing a very tiny bikini sipping something with an umbrella in it.

2. What are your core values?

Sincerity, compassion, loyalty

3. What are your special talents?

I can make my tongue into a clover. Also, when doing karaoke I can mimic the original singer's voice uncannily well.

4. What do you do better than most people you know?

My writing skills have always been much higher than my peers; I am always surprised when I hand in a half-assed paper and receive an A. Then, I read my classmates' writing and I understand. I'm also really good at speaking on the phone. My mom was strict about phone manners and it paid off.

5. What were your dreams as a child?

I really wanted to be an astronaut. I even went to space camp. I still want to be an actress.

6. What is the thing you are most proud of accomplishing in your life so far?

I am most proud of overcoming my fear of heights. When I was 14 or 15, I climbed a 50 ft. rock
wall. Although I was proud, the fear was still there. A year later, I went on a retreat with a group from my
high school. We rock climbed again and with the support of my peers, I finally made it to the top. Now,
I climb frequently (save for the bum foot). More recently, I jumped off a 10m platform and more
excitingly, I jumped off a 40 ft. waterfall.

7. What will you regret not doing in your life if you continue as you are now?

I let myself off too easily. If I can get by doing the minimum, I will do so. Recently, I've discovered how much I dislike that about myself and I'm working really hard to put my best into everything I do. So far it's paying off, so I plan to continue challenging myself.

8. What do you want people to say about you after you are no longer living? What is your legacy?

This question is hard. Really, I want to affect at least one person. As a coach and swim instructor, I think of all the young minds that come through my life each day. I tell them never to give up and always give it their best shot; that I don't care if it's THE best, just THEIR best. It's really corny, but when I see their eyes light up, I feel like I've made a difference. I wonder if they'll remember me down the line. Moments like that make me want to pursue a career in teaching; I guess I want people to say that I was inspiring, optimistic and motivating.

My legacy would have to be my tattoo.

9. What do you want to do when you retire?

I want to live in a cabin by a mountainside lake. I want to be surrounded by nature and the one I love, On Golden Pond style. I probably also want a house on the beach, too.

10. Outside of parents who influenced your life more than anyone else; who had an impact on you and what was it about that person that meant something to you?

My sister, Heather. As crazy as she drives me, I love her dearly. I don't know what I would have become if I didn't have a big sister.

One

Bonjour et bienvenue. Since my life's goal is to be one Ally Panic, I figured it would be wise to emulate her in the form of blogging.

Today was beautiful, and thusly I was inspired to study in the park.

I look forward to the end of school and the beginning of my European adventure with my favorite person ever.