Happy Birthtine's Day to Me!

The Worst Things to Do on Valentine’s Day When You’re Single

I love Valentine’s Day. Not only is it my birthday, it’s a chance for me to show my love and appreciation for those around me. V-Day is also a chance for my pathetic attempts to get people to like me by bringing baked goods wherever I go (on today’s menu: red velvet cupcakes with buttercream frosting and red sprinkles). Regardless of the fact that I will always get flowers and cards from my parents, I have been Valentine-less for the majority of my twenty-something Valentine’s Days so I know what the WORST things you can do as a singleton are on Cupid’s day of hearts, love, and all things pink.

1. Drinks with girlfriends. Sure, it sounds like a great idea: “Girl’s night out! Let’s dance!” This might be a good idea if it’s a small group, no more than 3 women. Be careful, because the more estrogen you introduce, the greater the likelihood that someone will a) cry all night in the bar’s dirty bathroom, b) puke chocotinis all night in the bar’s dirty bathroom, or c) contract puss bubbles from Tony (the winner who kept doing jagerbombs while simultaneously groping you, your roommate, and your grandmother) in the bar’s dirty bathroom. It’s quite possible that that someone will be you.

2. Sleep with any of your friends. Unless you actually hate them and you want your friendship to be over anyway. In that case, hump on! Otherwise, realize that it's probably just a pity fuck, as you have mascara all over your face and chocotini vomit running down your chin.

3. Steal a baby. You’ll be a mother when the time is right, or when the condom breaks. But in your desperation for a tiny being that will love you unconditionally, thus fulfilling whatever void your childhood left, avoid taking someone else’s child. Kidnapping is wrong, folks.

4. Watch any of the following movies:

• "The Notebook." Why would you even think that this is a good movie to watch when you’re alone and already mopey? Because they die at the end? No. Do not watch this if you are even remotely upset that you don’t have a date tonight; all it will do is remind you that you’ll never meet anyone as hot as Ryan Gosling.
• "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." You’ll just sit in a stew of ex-lovers, simmering in despair of failed relationships, wondering why you two ever broke up, etc. Bad idea, just don't do it, mmmkay?
  
• "Titanic." This movie is 4 hours of you being single while Leonardo DiCaprio kisses on Kate Winslet. Then she lets go, even though she says she never will, and then drops the necklace into the ocean. Not only will you be alone when the credits roll and Celine’s heart goes on, you’ll be infuriated because that necklace was worth millions.
• "Bridget Jones’ Diary." Although it works in the movie, chubby and batshit nuts won’t find you love.
• Anything with Meg Ryan.
• "I Know Who Killed Me." Don’t watch it on Valentine’s Day or ever, because it sucks.

5. Eat chocolate. You probably don’t have a date because you eat too much of it anyway. This is mostly directed towards myself, so please don’t get offended.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!